[Review] Far Away Land: Tome of Awesome

Introduction

The name’s Davenport. I review games.

So the other day I was in my office, mindin’ my own business — funny how often these stories start that way — when a fella in orange robes comes teleportin’ in. And I gotta tell ya, this guy was a total blockhead.

No, seriously. His head was an actual gray cement-lookin’ block.

“Greetings, human,” he says. “I am Bob the Blonin, blessed of the Glorious Cube. I bring to you this review copy of Far Away Land: Tome of Awesome.”

He hands over the book, and I give it the once-over. Big book. Funny art. Funny name.

“Is this game some kind of a joke?” I says.

“No, indeed,” he says. “True, it describes a frequently humorous world, but a world nevertheless ripe for awesome adventures! And with an equally awesome light system!”

“Huh,” I says. “Okay, you’ve got my interest.”

“So you will give it a fair review?” says the blockhead.

“Yeah, I’ll give you a square deal.”

https://www.drivethrurpg.com/product/124139/Far-Away-Land-RPG-Tome-of-Awesome

[Review] Art of Wuxia

Introduction

The name’s Davenport. I review games.

On a nice, quiet afternoon, there’s not much more annoying that a knock at my office door.

‘Cept maybe someone kickin’ in my office door.

“KIIIII-YAH!!!” says the fella, all dressed in fancy silk and carryin’ a sword.

“Um… Can I help you?” I says.

“IMMACULATE REVIEW COPY DELIVERY STRIKE!” he says, spinning around and throwing a book across the room, landing it neat as you please on my desk without so much as knocking over my stapler. A nifty trick, I had to admit.

Art of Wuxia, the cover says. Okay, so that explained a few things.

“So you want me to review this thing?” I says.

“ILLUSTRIOUS CRANE RESPONSE!!!” he says, jumpin’ up onto the back of a chair and perching on one foot. “Yes, please.”

“Right…” I says. “I’ll get right on that. Can I see you out?”

“No, thank you,” he says. “RIGHTEOUS DOVE WITHDRAWAL!”

He jumps out the window and goes running through the air down the street.

I just sigh, sit back down, and open the book. Time for some Elaborate Monkey Reviewing. Or something.

https://www.drivethrurpg.com/product/312439/Art-of-Wuxia-Core-Rules

[Review] Beyond the Black Sea

Introduction

The name’s Davenport. I review games.

So the other day I answer a hard knock on my office door, and I see your basic barbarian: Loin cloth, big axe, mighty thews. You know the drill.

Except this guy has a pixie sittin’ on his shoulder.

“I bring you greetings, reviewer of games! I am Bodor son of Todor, breaker of chains, slayer of dragons!

“And this,” he adds, nodding to the pixie, “is Brandymead Willowdew, spreader of pixie dust, gatherer of sugarplums!”

“Hi!” the pixie chimes in.

“Oooo-kay,” I says. “And I suppose the two of you have a game for me to review?”

“Indeed,” says the barbarian, and he pulls a book out of this big brown bag. “Beyond the Black Sea,” the cover says, with a picture of a couple of Bronze Age fellas fightin’ a big ape-man thing. Old school swords-and-sorcery type stuff.

Nice and pulpy, I think to myself.

“Okay,” I says, “This looks like my kinda thing, all right. But, ah, what’s with the pixie?”

“Ah!” the barbarian says, “That is because Beyond the Black Sea is part of the Faeries Wear Boots! line of games.”

“Faeries and barbarians?” I says. “How’s that work?”

The pixie shrugs. “I mostly just wing it.”

[Review] Talislanta: The Savage Land

Introduction

The name’s Davenport. I review games.

So the other day I hear a loud knock at my office door. When I answer it, I see a great big bald pointy-eared bruiser covered from head to foot in tattoos and carryin’ a big whoppin’ two-handed sword. So right off the bat, I have him pegged as a Thrall — a magically-bred warrior from the fantasy game Talislanta. Yes sir, there’s only one thing that looks like a Thrall, and that’s a Thrall.

“Hello,” he says. “I’m a Vandar.”

…

“Okay…” I says. “Well, you sure look like a Thrall to me.”

“Ah,” he says, “That is because the Vandar are the ancestors of the Thralls.”

“Ancestors? Okay, that makes sense then. What brings you by today?”

“I am here with a review copy of Talislanta: the Savage Land.”

“You’re speakin’ my language. I love me some Talislanta. What’s the ‘Savage Land’ bit, though?”

“The Savage Land is Talislanta’s distant past,” he says, “shortly after the Great Disaster that laid waste to the world.”

“Post-apocalyptic Talislanta?” I says. “Okay, you’ve got my interest.”

“Excellent,” he says. “But just in case, I have brought you this…”

He dumps a big bag of gold coins and gems on my desk.

“That’s… a lot more than I usually get for a reviewing gig,” I says, eyein’ the pile of goodies.

“Such things are worthless to us in the Savage Land,” he says. “All that matters is survival.”

“Well then!” I says, sweepin’ the loot into my desk drawer, “What we need around this place is a lot more survivin’.”

[Review] Black Void

Introduction

The name’s Davenport. I review games.

So the other day I answer a knock at the door, and I see… something. Whatever it was, it had green scales, a beak, four purple eyes, and three legs.

“Hello!” it says.

“Uh… hi,” I says. “What are you supposed to be? Or do I want to know?”

“What do you mean by that?” he says, gettin’ all huffy. “I’m a human being, same as you!”

I raise an eyebrow.

“Well, okay, not quite like you,” he confesses. “Mom… wasn’t from around here.”

“You don’t say,” I says. “So what can I do for you?”

“Oh!” he says. “I’m here with a review copy of Black Void, a game of dark fantasy and Lovecraftian horror. In Earth’s distant past, a supernatural calamity casts humanity adrift across an alien-filled universe in which they’re the lowest of the low.”

“Well, that sounds real cheery,” I says.

“I did say that it’s dark fantasy,” he points out.

“Fair point,” I admit. “Fine, I’ll give it a go. I’ll let you know when the review’s done.”

“Great!” he says. “I’ll keep three eyes out for it.”

[Review] Agents of Concordia

Introduction

The name’s Davenport. I review games.

So the other day it was pretty nice out, so I had the window in my office open. I shoulda known I’d end up lettin’ bugs in that way, but I didn’t expect a 24″ winged bug-man thingy in a black business suit and shades carryin’ an RPG rulebook. (That was pretty impressive, since it was a full-size rulebook that coulda smashed the bug good and flat.)

The little critter flies over to my desk, drops off the book, then flits over to the chair.

“Hello!” he says. “I’ve been sent on a dangerous mission to deliver you this review copy of Agents of Concordia!”

“Uh-huh,” I says. “Is this a game about playin’ sharp-dressed bugs?”

“I am a Phyllia, not a ‘bug’,” the uppity bug says. “And no, the game is not just about playing my species. It is about playing secret agents of many different species, including your own, defending a magical multiverse from terrible danger in an alternate 1960s.”

“Fantasy spies, eh?” I says. “I can get behind that. Okay, yer on. Now you’d better hurry up and fly back out the window before anyone sees you.”

“Why?”

“Someone’s liable to call the SWAT team.”

[Review] The Islands of Purple-Haunted Putrescence

Introduction

The name’s Davenport. I review games.

So the other day this swell dame strolls into my office. Great set of gams, and a nice, skimpy outfit.

And a mohawk.

And four arms. Carrying a chainsaw, a blaster, a glowing black sword, and a book.

And covered with purple slop.

“Greetings from the Stygian darkness of the eldritch void beyond voids, meatsack. Got a review copy for ya.”

“Ooookay,” I says. “Um… What’s the gig?”

“The Islands of Purple-Haunted Putrescence,” she says. “An old-school D&D-based hex crawl.”

“That explains the purple slop, I guess,” I says. “But D&D? Uh… Scotty the Dwarf usually drops off that sorta thing. What’s with the dark future get-up?”

“Islands has everything,” she says, wavin’ her arms and slinging purple slop everywhere. “Mutants. Dinosaurs. Aliens. Trans-dimensional freaks of every sort.”

“Gonzo?” I says.

“Gonzo,” she says.

“Gotcha,” I says. “I’ll give it the treatment. Meantime, you want a towel?”

“Why?”

“You got a little something on your… well, everything.”

[Review] Don’t Look Back: Terror is Never Far Behind 3rd edition

Introduction

The name’s Davenport. I review games.

So the other day a man in black shows up in my office. Black suit, black tie, black sunglasses, the works. He looks around like he’s afraid somebody’s watchin’, then reaches into his jacket and pulls out a rulebook, dropping it on my desk. Don’t Look Back, the cover says, Terror is Never Far Behind.

“What’s this?” I says.

“It isn’t a horror/conspiracy RPG with a rules-light system,” he says. “It doesn’t reveal the secrets of the shadowy organizations that really run the world. You won’t find details on all manner of extraterrestrial and extradimensional threats in it.”

“I won’t?”

“That’s right. You won’t.” he says. “And whatever you do, you shouldn’t review it.

“Oh, and I was never here,” he adds before he turns and walks out the door.

So, anyway, here’s the review I didn’t write for the book I never got.

[Review] Warhammer Fantasy Roleplay 4th edition

Introduction

The name’s Davenport. I review games.

So the other day, my good buddy Scotty the Dwarf stops by for a visit. He shows up bare-chested and with a giant orange mohawk, which meant only one thing: There was a new edition of Warhammer Fantasy Roleplay in town.

“Y’know, Scotty,” I says, leaning back in my chair, “I’ve always had me a soft spot for WFRP. Great dark fantasy setting. But those rules in the first two editions just never did it for me. And that third edition went way off the rails.”

“Well, yer in luck, laddie,” he says. “I happen t’know that the fourth edition of WFRP cleans up all the nonsense and gets right down to the Troll-slaying goodness.”

“Speaking of Troll Slayers,” I says, “the look suits you. I’ll bet you really lay your enemies low.”

“Ye’d best be glad I’m not a Smartass Slayer, laddie…”

[Review] Punktown

Introduction

The name’s Davenport. I review games.

So the other day this fella walks into my office, grinnin’ from ear to ear.

No, I mean literally. His mouth stretched from one ear to the other.

“So… what are you supposed to be?” I says.

“A Choom.”

“Gesundheit”

“No,” he says, “I’m a Choom. We’re the natives of the planet Oasis, home to the city of Paxton, better known as Punktown.”

“I see,” I says. “And why should I care about Punktown?”

“Oh, lots of reasons,” he says. “You’ve got a futuristic setting with aliens (like me), mutants, robots, clones, and even Lovecraftian horrors, using Call of Cthulhu 6th edition and Basic Roleplaying.”

“That does sound promisin’,” I says. “Want to talk some more about it over a glass of whiskey?”

“Oh, no,” he says. “I’ve gotta get going. I’m telling everyone about Punktown!”

“Well, you do have a big mouth.”