[Review] Talislanta: The Savage Land

Introduction

The name’s Davenport. I review games.

So the other day I hear a loud knock at my office door. When I answer it, I see a great big bald pointy-eared bruiser covered from head to foot in tattoos and carryin’ a big whoppin’ two-handed sword. So right off the bat, I have him pegged as a Thrall — a magically-bred warrior from the fantasy game Talislanta. Yes sir, there’s only one thing that looks like a Thrall, and that’s a Thrall.

“Hello,” he says. “I’m a Vandar.”

…

“Okay…” I says. “Well, you sure look like a Thrall to me.”

“Ah,” he says, “That is because the Vandar are the ancestors of the Thralls.”

“Ancestors? Okay, that makes sense then. What brings you by today?”

“I am here with a review copy of Talislanta: the Savage Land.”

“You’re speakin’ my language. I love me some Talislanta. What’s the ‘Savage Land’ bit, though?”

“The Savage Land is Talislanta’s distant past,” he says, “shortly after the Great Disaster that laid waste to the world.”

“Post-apocalyptic Talislanta?” I says. “Okay, you’ve got my interest.”

“Excellent,” he says. “But just in case, I have brought you this…”

He dumps a big bag of gold coins and gems on my desk.

“That’s… a lot more than I usually get for a reviewing gig,” I says, eyein’ the pile of goodies.

“Such things are worthless to us in the Savage Land,” he says. “All that matters is survival.”

“Well then!” I says, sweepin’ the loot into my desk drawer, “What we need around this place is a lot more survivin’.”

[Review] Black Void

Introduction

The name’s Davenport. I review games.

So the other day I answer a knock at the door, and I see… something. Whatever it was, it had green scales, a beak, four purple eyes, and three legs.

“Hello!” it says.

“Uh… hi,” I says. “What are you supposed to be? Or do I want to know?”

“What do you mean by that?” he says, gettin’ all huffy. “I’m a human being, same as you!”

I raise an eyebrow.

“Well, okay, not quite like you,” he confesses. “Mom… wasn’t from around here.”

“You don’t say,” I says. “So what can I do for you?”

“Oh!” he says. “I’m here with a review copy of Black Void, a game of dark fantasy and Lovecraftian horror. In Earth’s distant past, a supernatural calamity casts humanity adrift across an alien-filled universe in which they’re the lowest of the low.”

“Well, that sounds real cheery,” I says.

“I did say that it’s dark fantasy,” he points out.

“Fair point,” I admit. “Fine, I’ll give it a go. I’ll let you know when the review’s done.”

“Great!” he says. “I’ll keep three eyes out for it.”

[Review] Agents of Concordia

Introduction

The name’s Davenport. I review games.

So the other day it was pretty nice out, so I had the window in my office open. I shoulda known I’d end up lettin’ bugs in that way, but I didn’t expect a 24″ winged bug-man thingy in a black business suit and shades carryin’ an RPG rulebook. (That was pretty impressive, since it was a full-size rulebook that coulda smashed the bug good and flat.)

The little critter flies over to my desk, drops off the book, then flits over to the chair.

“Hello!” he says. “I’ve been sent on a dangerous mission to deliver you this review copy of Agents of Concordia!”

“Uh-huh,” I says. “Is this a game about playin’ sharp-dressed bugs?”

“I am a Phyllia, not a ‘bug’,” the uppity bug says. “And no, the game is not just about playing my species. It is about playing secret agents of many different species, including your own, defending a magical multiverse from terrible danger in an alternate 1960s.”

“Fantasy spies, eh?” I says. “I can get behind that. Okay, yer on. Now you’d better hurry up and fly back out the window before anyone sees you.”

“Why?”

“Someone’s liable to call the SWAT team.”

[Review] The Islands of Purple-Haunted Putrescence

Introduction

The name’s Davenport. I review games.

So the other day this swell dame strolls into my office. Great set of gams, and a nice, skimpy outfit.

And a mohawk.

And four arms. Carrying a chainsaw, a blaster, a glowing black sword, and a book.

And covered with purple slop.

“Greetings from the Stygian darkness of the eldritch void beyond voids, meatsack. Got a review copy for ya.”

“Ooookay,” I says. “Um… What’s the gig?”

“The Islands of Purple-Haunted Putrescence,” she says. “An old-school D&D-based hex crawl.”

“That explains the purple slop, I guess,” I says. “But D&D? Uh… Scotty the Dwarf usually drops off that sorta thing. What’s with the dark future get-up?”

“Islands has everything,” she says, wavin’ her arms and slinging purple slop everywhere. “Mutants. Dinosaurs. Aliens. Trans-dimensional freaks of every sort.”

“Gonzo?” I says.

“Gonzo,” she says.

“Gotcha,” I says. “I’ll give it the treatment. Meantime, you want a towel?”

“Why?”

“You got a little something on your… well, everything.”

[Review] Don’t Look Back: Terror is Never Far Behind 3rd edition

Introduction

The name’s Davenport. I review games.

So the other day a man in black shows up in my office. Black suit, black tie, black sunglasses, the works. He looks around like he’s afraid somebody’s watchin’, then reaches into his jacket and pulls out a rulebook, dropping it on my desk. Don’t Look Back, the cover says, Terror is Never Far Behind.

“What’s this?” I says.

“It isn’t a horror/conspiracy RPG with a rules-light system,” he says. “It doesn’t reveal the secrets of the shadowy organizations that really run the world. You won’t find details on all manner of extraterrestrial and extradimensional threats in it.”

“I won’t?”

“That’s right. You won’t.” he says. “And whatever you do, you shouldn’t review it.

“Oh, and I was never here,” he adds before he turns and walks out the door.

So, anyway, here’s the review I didn’t write for the book I never got.

[Review] Warhammer Fantasy Roleplay 4th edition

Introduction

The name’s Davenport. I review games.

So the other day, my good buddy Scotty the Dwarf stops by for a visit. He shows up bare-chested and with a giant orange mohawk, which meant only one thing: There was a new edition of Warhammer Fantasy Roleplay in town.

“Y’know, Scotty,” I says, leaning back in my chair, “I’ve always had me a soft spot for WFRP. Great dark fantasy setting. But those rules in the first two editions just never did it for me. And that third edition went way off the rails.”

“Well, yer in luck, laddie,” he says. “I happen t’know that the fourth edition of WFRP cleans up all the nonsense and gets right down to the Troll-slaying goodness.”

“Speaking of Troll Slayers,” I says, “the look suits you. I’ll bet you really lay your enemies low.”

“Ye’d best be glad I’m not a Smartass Slayer, laddie…”

[Review] Punktown

Introduction

The name’s Davenport. I review games.

So the other day this fella walks into my office, grinnin’ from ear to ear.

No, I mean literally. His mouth stretched from one ear to the other.

“So… what are you supposed to be?” I says.

“A Choom.”

“Gesundheit”

“No,” he says, “I’m a Choom. We’re the natives of the planet Oasis, home to the city of Paxton, better known as Punktown.”

“I see,” I says. “And why should I care about Punktown?”

“Oh, lots of reasons,” he says. “You’ve got a futuristic setting with aliens (like me), mutants, robots, clones, and even Lovecraftian horrors, using Call of Cthulhu 6th edition and Basic Roleplaying.”

“That does sound promisin’,” I says. “Want to talk some more about it over a glass of whiskey?”

“Oh, no,” he says. “I’ve gotta get going. I’m telling everyone about Punktown!”

“Well, you do have a big mouth.”

[Review] Grimmgard

Introduction

The name’s Davenport. I review games.

So the other day my buddy Scotty the Dwarf came by for a visit to my office. Thing is, he ditched his usual grimy armor and battle axe for some really fancy new duds and one serious hand cannon. What gives, I wanted to know?

“Laddie, today I’m here to talk to ye about Grimmgard,” he says. “In Grimmgard, I’m one of the Dwarven. We’re the sophisticated, amiable types. Got damned fine technology, too.”

“So you aren’t the short-tempered ones?” I says.

“Don’t start, laddie…” he says.

“Well, if you’re the sophisticated fellas, where does that leave the Elves?” I says.

“No Elves,” he says. “But there are Ogres, and Beastfolk, and these wee mushroom gnomes, and a lot more besides. And they have all sorts o’ technology, from airships and trains to plasma rifles and teleporters.”

“Sounds good,” I says. “I’ll get to it shortly.”

“I’m warnin’ ye, laddie…”

[Review] Torg Eternity: The Living Land Sourcebook

Introduction

The name’s Davenport. I review games.

So the other day I’m sittin’ at my desk goin’ through my review copies, when I hear a knock.

At the window.

I go check it out, and what do I see there? A lizard-man ridin’ a brontosaurus.

Now, as it happens, this wasn’t all that unexpected. See, I’d just recently wrapped up a Torg Eternity gig, and I knew that a sourcebook for the Living Land, their prehistoric reality, would be comin’ down the pike pretty soon.

Speakin’ of pikes, the lizard guy had a nasty-looking plant-spear in one hand. Fortunately, he had the sourcebook in the other.

“So,” I says as the lizard guy climbed through the window, “I gotta tell ya, I’ve been lookin’ forward to this one. The old Living Land didn’t do much for me, but the new one with its Law of Wonders sounds like everything but the kitchen sink can show up there.”

“There issss no kitchen ssssink,” Mr. Lizard agrees, “but there issss a refrigerator.”

A fridge in the Living Land? This I had to see…

[Review] Torg Eternity

Introduction

The name’s Davenport. I review games.

So the other day I answer a knock on my office door, and I see an elf, a ninja, a masked mystery man, a werewolf, a cyberpunk, and a lizard man.

Which meant just one thing: Torg was back in town.

Now, I’ll be the first to tell ya: I loved me some Torg and its multi-genre gonzo craziness… but it always had its problems. Don’t you worry, though. I got right on the case.

“So!” I says to the ninja. “You still got a glass jaw?”

“Nope!” he says, givin’ himself a little sock to the jaw. “Solid as a rock. That’s been fixed in Torg Eternity.”

“‘Torg Eternity‘, eh?” I says. “Interesting… So, lizard man, is there anything to do in your home turf besides getting lost in a fog?”

“Oh, yes!” he says. “That’s been fixed, too. Now there are any number of wonders to discover in the Living Land!”

“Huh,” I says. Maybe there was somethin’ to this Torg Eternity.

I couldn’t help but imagine the Possibilities.